Half Marathoner (x2)

For some reason...I got it into my head that doing a half marathon was something I needed to do before I turned 40.  So in the interest of those people that have never done one and think you might...here are my top observations from doing a half marathon (actually 2...but that is a whole different story).

1)  Train. Train. Train. Train. Train.  My training was only 10 weeks long...and although I completed both half marathons - I wonder if I had a little bit longer of a training schedule, would I have been more successful?  Which brings me to:
2)  10 weeks doesn't seem like a long time to train for something...but boy was I wrong!  Training for something like this isn't as easy as just getting out there and running.  You start to pay attention to every thing you put into your mouth..  Think you want that glass of wine?  Not if you know it will make you more dehydrated the next day for your run.  Think you want a salad for dinner?  Not if you know it will turn your insides out around mile 4/5 of your run the next day.  Think you want to stay up late and watch that movie with your hubby?  Not if you know you have to wake up at 4:30 the next morning to get a 5 mile run in.  The last 10 weeks have been some of the longest of my life!
3)  I miss wine.  I feel like an alcoholic just saying that...but I really do.  There were nights (even when I was running 2-3 days a week and NOT training for something) I would have a glass of wine with dinner and not think anything about it.  Well...when you are only running 3ish miles the next day - a glass of wine here and there really doesn't matter.  But when you are running 4 days a week...you don't have time to "make up" for sluggish runs because you are dehydrated.  Anyway - one of the things I'm looking forward to tonight...and tomorrow night...and the night after that for that matter...is a nice big glass of wine!
4)  Go poop before every long run.  Trust me on this one....  And if you can't go poop before a long run for some reason...be sure that there is a public bathroom somewhere along your route...
5)  STRETCH before EVERY single run!!!  Trust me on this one too...
6)  It would be beneficial if you stretched after each run...can't say I followed this advice...but I bet I wouldn't be as sore today if I had
7)  Hydrate. Hydrate. Hydrate. Hydrate.  Even if you aren't running the next day...still drink plenty of water.  If you don't...you seriously can feel it.
8)  I have heard from many long time runner friends, that there is a point you hit a "wall" when running, but if you keep going, you'll "break" through the wall and feel like you can go forever.  Um... that wall for me goes up at about mile 0.02...and STAYS there the entire time.  I literally feel like every single step is hard...  I NEVER had a period of time that I felt like I "broke through" anything and felt like I could go forever....EVER.  A 5 mile run for me is just as hard as a 2.5 mile run which is just as hard as a 1 mile run.  This "wall" is a mental barrier that you just have to get past...that mental barrier for me never comes down.  When I started running longer distances - the only reason I could go from 1.87 to 2.25 (back 2 1/2 years ago)...was me mentally pushing myself.  Now...when I need to run 5 and my body/mind is yelling at me to stop at mile 2...I have to remind myself that I have done 5 before...so I know I can do it again...  Essentially what I'm saying is this - running is probably 75 parts mental and only 25 parts physical.  Seriously!  I think that is what is so exhausting about running for me...is that I have an internal argument the entire time trying to convince myself to keep going.
9)  If you have any runner friends that have done long races before, they will all tell you - if you can do 4 miles, you can do 13.1...  Is it true?  Yes...  But I do believe there are some people whose bodies are made for running...and those of us (like myself) that our bodies are NOT made for running.  Does this mean you shouldn't do a half marathon?  Absolutely not!  Do it!  But after doing these two half marathons - I can tell you that I will most likely never do anything farther than this.  Between knee issues, heel/bursitis issues, plantar's fasciitis issues, GI issues....going farther than 13.1 would kill me.  Will I ever do a half again?  Probably...but no time soon!  I will happily sign up for about any 5k, 10k, and maybe even a 15k now.  However...I have no plans of doing another half marathon in the near future....  I do plan on going back to running 2-3 days a week, between 4-5 miles each of those days.  I will do that because running is how I've been able to (somewhat) maintain my weight... and I like feeling fit.  But...NO MORE TRAINING for me for a while! haha
10) Once you have completed a half marathon - you feel like wearing that medal around for weeks.  It is such a feeling of accomplishment that I can't even put it into words...

At the end of your first (or even second) half marathon...be prepared to be overwhelmed emotionally (not JUST physically).  My first half marathon in February, I felt this to a degree.  I was overwhelmed...but didn't have a good outlet for it (my hubby was out of town).  The one I did yesterday...I did.  After I came across the finish and my hubby and kids were there...it was almost more than I could take.  After I hugged my kids I went to hug my hubby and just started crying.  He thought I was crying because I was hurt (which I was - my bursitis made me walk/limp the last 3-4 miles)...but it was so much more than that.  I was proud of myself for finishing the run (despite my injury), disappointed that I didn't do as well as I would have liked to, physically exhausted and in pain, mentally drained from pushing myself the whole time, thrilled that my best friend in the world was there to support and push me on towards my goal, and happy that my kids got to see that if you work hard enough and train hard enough that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to.  So when Jeff went to hug me, I just clung to him and cried.


February 16, 2014 - Five Points of Life Half Marathon
Official time - 3 hours 2 minutes 47 seconds

March 14, 2014 - First Watch Sarasota Half Marathon
Official time - 3 hours 16 minutes 6 seconds

SNOW!!!

One of my bucket list items for before I turn 40 was to take my kids to see snow.  Being Florida born and (so far) raised...the only snow they have seen has been on TV or the few flurries that came down a few Christmas's ago (but didn't stick).   We have seen ice - when on the rare occasion it does get below freezing and someone leaves sprinkler's on...it makes a "winter wonderland" in the neighbor's yard.  But even then...they really don't have a good idea of what snow is.

So over the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday weekend, we flew up to North Carolina hoping to see snow.  On Friday, we took a direct flight into Charlotte, and drove two hours to Asheville.  Watching the weather, we were hopeful that we would even see snow that first night.  And we did!  Saturday morning we woke up to snow!!  Although...only a light dusting.  Nothing that really got the kids excited.

BUT we had planned ahead.  We drove 2 hours into the mountains up to Beech Mountain/Banner Elk, NC.  On the way there...there was even less snow.  We started getting worried.  Was this trip going to be a dud??

About 15-20 minutes outside of Beech Mountain...the snow was getting thicker and thicker.  There was a good 5-6 inches on the ground everywhere...and it was still coming down!  

Snow bunny, Kendall.

Carson is the little guy sitting down on the green saucer.

Here he comes!

Almost there....

Down and running off to go again.  "Awesome" and "Epic" was the quote I heard as he was running...

Here comes Kendall on a toboggan.

Smiling ear to ear.

K, Daddy & C all heading up the hill.

Daddy & Kendall together on the toboggan.

Almost at the bottom.

So each child went down the hill 2 times on their own.  When Daddy & Kendall went down, Carson waited patiently on the top of the hill...getting colder...and colder...and colder...until he just couldn't stand it anymore!  By the time Jeff and Kendall got to the bottom of the hill on the sled...Carson was crying uncontrollably. 

Daddy trying to warm Carson up at the bottom of the sled hill.

We went inside a little pizza place across the street from the sled hill to let the kids warm up.  You see...even though I grew up in Missouri...apparently I have NO memory of what is needed to "survive" in the snow.  We borrowed ski pants from a friend...but didn't have good warm/dry gloves or boots.  So poor Carson's fingers and toes were so cold they were hurting...and our little Florida boy is just not used to that!

So we got the kids warmed up and rested a bit...then headed back outside to hopefully have a little more fun.  No more sledding...but there was a snowball fight, snow angels, and a snowman!

Daddy doing a snow angel.

Carson wading through the snow.

Actually throwing a snow ball!

Daddy let Carson throw it right in his face!

Making the snow man.

Even Carson did a snow angel.

Posing with the completed snow man!

Even Carson was having fun with the snow man.

Daddy LOVED playing in the snow with his kiddos.

Snow ball fight!

"Bury me Daddy!"

Here is proof - Carson actually did have fun in the snow!

Once we were done playing in the snow, we went inside again and had some great pizza...then decided to move on.  We drove around a little and found this frozen lake somewhere off of the Blue Ridge Parkway.

Jeff "had" to go down the stairs to see the lake.

Came back up with a slab of ice that had broken up.

Impossible sometimes to get a good picture of the two of them... 

We then headed to an area called Blowing Rock... beautiful views...but COLD...

The next day we went to the Biltmore in Asheville.  What can I say.  Gorgeous!  We will definitely be back!!!  

Overall it was a wonderful, fun, short little trip.  One that we think we will try to take every year!  Next year....better gloves and boots!!!!

Next item on my bucket list?  HALF MARATHON!!!  I am deep in training now - only 6 1/2 weeks away....

I Resolve...

to NOT make New Year's resolutions.

I mean really...have any of us EVER really TRULY completed a "resolution"?

BUT year after year on January 1 we all decide that we will make resolutions to change our lives.  To quit smoking.  To lose those pesky 15 pounds.  To stop biting our nails. To be a better person in some way.  ALL with the best of intentions...

What I've learned though...is that for ANY change to take place...you have to want it not only in your head...but also in your heart.  If it isn't something that you REALLY REALLY want to change...if it isn't something that you can picture yourself starting/stopping/doing...then it will never happen. That is why the gym is PACKED and every piece of equipment is full the first 2-3 weeks of the new year.  And then something amazing happens...people realize that to actually fulfill their resolution (of losing weight, in this case)...they have to make a lifestyle change and find the time to not only fit in trips to the gym, but adjust their diet as well.  When the scale doesn't instantly drop by 5 pounds in the first week...they get discouraged and decide that it is just too hard...that it isn't worth it.  This is the same with most any resolution.  Typically as excited and determined as people are in week one...that excitement fizzles away by week 3 or 4.  And back they go to their old lifestyles.  Saying "next year...next year I'll really be ready."

I'm guilty of doing that MANY, MANY times myself.  Which is why several years ago I finally got smart and said NO MORE!

Now - that isn't to say that I don't set goals for myself each year.  There is something about a whole new calendar...it feels like a clean slate...a fresh start...a new beginning (even though it is really just a new day).    It is hard not to want to make goals for the next year.  Heck...just a new month inspires me to make a goal.  BUT with any goal - I do try to take it just one day/week/month at a time.  AND I try to celebrate my little victories.

So...although to many this will look like a "resolution" list...it is really just my little list of goals for the new year.

1)  Anyone that has ever attended one of my kids birthday parties knows this is true...I am HORRIBLE about sending Thank You notes.  Please know that I (and the kids) TRULY are very thankful about your attendance at the party, the gift, etc...I am just HORRIBLE about doing thank you notes.  So...I am going to try to be better about this next year.
2)  I used to be good about Birthday/Anniversary, etc. cards...but have gotten HORRIBLE about those as well (just ask my sister and folks...)
3)  I want to be better about staying OFF of my "smart" devices - especially when I am around family/friends.  They are making me "dumb"....and it is setting a horrible example for my kids...

So that is all for me.  What is on your list?  Oh...and

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I'm not a Runner...

Really...I'm not.

I've been running for just over two years now, about 1 1/2 years of that outside (anyone that runs regularly knows there is a HUGE difference between treadmill running and outside running).  When I first started running outside I couldn't go farther than 1.87 miles without feeling like I was dying...now I am hoping that in the next year I will run a half marathon (which is 13.1 miles).

But again...I'm not a runner.

I have suffered and overcome from Plantar Fasciitis (PF) with a low-dose oral steroid and stretching before EVERY SINGLE RUN.

But again...I'm not a runner.

I have had a colonoscopy and multiple exams due to rectal bleeding, because it appears I am one of the rare people (like 1 in 10 runners I think I read somewhere...) whose body reacts to the steady impact of running over long distances (anything over 3.25 miles) in a very odd and sometimes embarrassing manner but am otherwise completely healthy down "there" otherwise...but because of this "odd" thing I must put in a hydrocortisone suppository the night before every run so that I don't have bleeding when I run.

But again...I'm not a runner.

I am now seeing a Physical Therapist because I have Patella Femoral Pain Syndrome (PFPS), which my PT thinks is actually due to Plica Syndrome (another rare condition), and over the last 6 weeks I've only run a total of probably 10 miles, but I still try to go out and run and even push through the sharp pain that comes at times in the run just so I can continue.

But again...I'm not a runner.

My husband says to me....You have had heel pain, rectal bleeding and now knee pain...and yet you still want to run?

Yes.  I do.

But again...I don't consider myself a runner.

I don't LIKE running.  I don't.  If you ever see me out running, I will look pained and exhausted.  I don't glide across the road like some women do.  I feel every. Single. Step.  Anytime someone takes a picture of me at a 5K or some sort of event... I look "concerned"...NOT like I'm enjoying myself.

So...again... I don't consider myself a runner.

At least...I didn't used to...

But my big goals this year...another triathlon sprint, a 10K, a half marathon, an Olympic length triathlon...all involve running.

When I don't run...I get moody and depressed.  When I don't run...I don't sleep as well.  When I don't run...I have less energy.

When I am driving around town and I see people running...I wish I was with them.  I get jealous when someone is out running and I realize that I haven't been in a while.  If I don't run every few days... I CRAVE it.  The last 6 weeks as I've been out with knee pain...I  have thought more about running and getting out there again than ever before.  I've really...truly...in my bones...missed running.

Ok... Time to admit it.

I. Am. A. Runner.

Pass another glass...

I love my kids.  I really do.  I love them with every ounce of my being.  I would jump in front of a moving car for them.  I would leap tall buildings in a single bound...oh... wait.

But...I have something I have to admit.  And it tears me up inside.  The guilt that courses through my veins because I feel this way is just as potent as the love I feel for them.

I. Don't. Like. My. Kids. All. The. Time.

Truth be told...lately I can only stand being around them about 50% of the time...if that much.  There are periods of time where they are enjoyable and a pleasure to be with.  I love talking to them and seeing things through their eyes.  I enjoy hearing their conversations with each other.  They make me laugh when they are being goofy.

But then.  Sometimes.  I can't wait to get them out of the door in the morning.  Or into bed at night.

I mean really. Why is it that we can't even leave the parking lot of their school before one is annoying the other which in turn makes the other scream and whine which in turn makes the other do it louder/longer/more intense which makes the other scream more which makes me scream like a mad woman and gesture all over so that the people next to me must think I am having a mental breakdown?

I mean really.  Why is it that anytime a question is asked of me, I have to repeat the same answer over and over to many different explanations of the same question in case I just didn't understand said question correctly the first time or I just wasn't hearing them correctly until I have to be "mean" in order to get my original answer actually heard?  And God help me if I don't justify my answer, because then I hear my Mom's answer flying out of my mouth - "Because I said so!"

I mean really.  How hard is it to turn off lights when you leave a room, or brush your teeth without leaving an entire splat of toothpaste all over the sink or close a door that you open or actually respond the first time that someone says your name?

I know that most of this is just them being kids which means that it is a regular part of parenting.  But it is seriously like they are "brain damaged", as Bill Cosby once said.  Common sense doesn't apply to kids (although...it doesn't apply to many adults for that matter...).  Not to mention the attitudes.  Wow.  I know some parents out there are saying or will reply with "You don't have to put up with attitudes.  I stop them before they start." Well...don't bother preaching to me about it.  Because we didn't stop them and they did start and we continue to battle them and it is still a struggle.

Throw in my daughter's ADHD, along with her emotional/anxiety issues...and what occurs on a daily basis is lots of yelling from both sides, lots of tears (some days) and lots of anxiety for me and her father.  With her it is so hard to tell - is what we are dealing with the effects of her ADHD or disobedience.  It is a constant struggle and a constant hunt for the happy medium.  We continually question ourselves and our parenting abilities.  We really do feel most days like we are screwing her up and she will be in one form of counseling or another for the rest of her life.

Parenting sucks sometimes.  It is incredibly hard.  I think that is why having good friends with kids is utterly important.  You can bounce ideas off of them.  Tell them where you are struggling.  It is always so refreshing to find out some of the things we are dealing with, others are too.  There are other families that have some of the exact same issues and struggles and battles raging day to day in their homes.

I told a friend once that is a relatively new stepmom, that there are times I just don't like my kids.  I don't want to be around them.  I need a break.  I love them.  That never changes.  But sometimes....that glass of wine with a friend that drags on until the clock says that the kids will be in bed is much more appealing!  My friend was relieved to hear this.  She had been secretly struggling with the occasional feeling of not wanting to be around her stepchild.  She felt horribly guilty because she does love the child and father so much, but had several moments where she just didn't like the child.  When I confessed that I didn't like my kids sometimes...she was able to let some of that guilt go.

I think that having friends with kids is akin to having a user's manual for kids.  Especially if you have friends with kids that are a little older.  Because then they can tell you what they did that worked, didn't work, etc.  Like a mentor.  But in turn...we should have friends with younger kids too...so we can be that "mentor" to someone else.  NONE of us are experts in raising kids.  Even those of us that have PhDs are not experts...even those of us that have raised 20 children are not experts...  EVERY child is different and has their own struggles and problems and not to mention the way the culture is changing every 5 minutes to make things even more of a challenge (i.e. no cell phones when I was a kid....now what do we do???).  God makes it fun for us like that.

But as in everything - we have to take it all with a grain of salt.  As much as there are times I don't like my kids, I do thank God for them every single day.  I am blessed to be able to be a wife and a mother, and can only pray someday that I'll look back at all of this and laugh...over my bottle of wine.

Before I turn 40...

Today is the first day of the last year of my 30's....in other words...I'm 39 years old today. EEK!  It doesn't seem possible.  39 is OLD.  O.L.D.  Middle ages...  Except...I don't feel old...I don't feel like I'm pushing 40.  We all have an "age" in our head that we "feel" like.  Mine is about 27-28.  So when I see someone that IS that age, I think to myself "that is how I look"...when in fact...I'm a full DECADE older than that.  Wow.  Jeff just laughs at me and thinks I'm silly when I realize that I've been out of high school for 21 years now....wow...  He is 7 1/2 years older than me, so he always jokingly says "I don't have any sympathy for you."  At the end of his headlights he sees the big 5-0...so me freaking out just a little bit about 40 is amusing to him.

Anyway - the point of this post is that I want to list the things I want to accomplish in the next year.  If I don't write them down somewhere...I'm afraid I will forget them (you know...old age and all...).  Also - this list will be "small" because I want the things on it to actually be obtainable.  If I put something along the lines of "Visit the Great Wall of China" on the list, it wouldn't be obtainable - at least not before I'm 40.  Those kind of things end up on a different "bucket" list...haha

1) Run a 10K.  (or 6.2 miles)  Originally I was going to do this on Thanksgiving day this year....but then my knee started giving me issues...so I don't think it is going to happen.  BUT it WILL happen sometime in the next calendar year!
2) Run a half marathon.  I have NO inclination or desire to ever complete a full marathon.  But who knows...maybe that will be on my "before I'm 50" list. Completed February 16 & March 16.
3) Complete a Olympic length triathlon.  Just this past weekend, my friend K and I did a sprint length - and we survived.  We are even excited about doing another one (possibly in April).  BUT I will say this - the swim about killed me!  I was NOT ready for the open water swim...not ready at all.  About the time I couldn't touch anymore, I was having a difficult time breathing and I panicked.  I made it through...and per the timing...we did the .25 mile in only 15 minutes (!!?!?! WHAT?!?!?).  So...with proper training and preparation...doing a full mile is conceivable....doable.  So why not???
4) Do a Ragnar Relay race.  Now...this might not happen before I turn 40...but hopefully it will happen the year of 40.  The one I want to do is in the Keys (the upcoming one is in February - so too quick for me to be ready). BUT in 2015 I will be ALL over that!  Hopefully I will have enough friends to fill the team of 12.
5) Ride in a Hot Air Balloon.  I am scared of heights...well...falling from them really.  I can be in a tall building where I have no fear that I will fall out of it and be perfectly fine.  But.  If you put me somewhere that is high...and in my clumsy nature I trip and could fall off of the high thing...that is when I'm scared.  So...a hot air balloon is a big thing for me.  Challenges fears and all.
6) Read the Bible.  Oh I've read some of the bible.  Chunks of it here and there.  But I've never finished it....sad...but true.  So my goal is to this year finally finish reading the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth manual...
7) Finish Kendall's baby quilt.  Seriously...  I took a quilting class about 9 years ago...and made a few for a few friends and their babies (Michele N. and Heather C. I believe...).  BUT...I never finished the one for my daughter that I started when I was pregnant with her.  Still have everything for it...but haven't finished it.  Oh well.
8) Learn to knit or crochet.  Now I'm not saying that I will become an avid knitter or crocheter...but I want to at least learn how to do it.  Maybe make one scarf or something...and know that I can.
9) Bring the kids to see snow.  For those of you up north...this seems like a weird item I'm sure.  BUT...my kids are FLORIDA kids.  They saw snow two Christmas's ago - but it was just the stuff that floated down from the sky for all of 3 minutes and didn't stick anywhere.  They have no real concept of what snow is REALLY like.  We told them we would try to bring them last year...but it just never happened. THIS year - I want to make sure it happens. Completed January 17-20.
10) Be an extra on the set of a TV show or (major) movie.  Ok...so this one might not be doable.  But this has ALWAYS been a dream of mine...so who knows....maybe someone out there reading this has connections to let me be on the set of something.  Maybe not even as an extra...just to be able to watch how it all happens would be incredible.
11) Rent a "fun" car for a weekend.  Sounds simple enough.  But Jeff and I are typically "practical"...and get the standard car or small SUV if we are traveling with the kids.  But...just once...I want to rent the convertible...the race car. Wow.  How much fun would that be??
12) Publish something I have written.  Many don't know this...but I do creative writing occasionally.  I wrote one poem in college that was published in the school's yearly literary journal. Really cool.  But...since then I've written a few short stories and even more poetry.  I've started a book...several times...the same book.  But - I think it would be cool to have something I've written be published in a magazine or something.  Not sure how to accomplish this...but who knows...
13) and along those same lines Start to Write again Regularly.  I used to write on this blog on a regular basis.  Then I stopped...  I would like to challenge myself to maybe write a blog post at least 2 times a month (not unobtainable).  And...do some creative writing maybe once a month (or more).
14) Take the kids camping. In a tent. Outside. Overnight.  We have all the equipment...just haven't done it yet.  This year.  This is it!

I'm sure I can come up with more if I think long and hard enough about it.  But for right now - I think that the above is doable.  Any additional suggestions?

40 Day Fitness Challenge - Week 1

Today is actually day 5...so not quite a whole week.  Although - I have done something "active" (moving/exercising 20-40 minutes) 6 out of the last 7 days.  Already I feel better...and I am craving the exercise.

Today for example...my hubby is out of town and the kids are out of school.  I went to the gym yesterday - and I typically run Monday, Wednesday and Fridays...so I decided the kids would ride their bikes and I would run with Rally behind them.  Then...Carson decided he wanted to do Kendall's scooter and NOT his bike.  UGGHHH  Just as I suspected...not only was I mainly walking...but I also ended up carrying his/her scooter half the time...we only went 1.3 miles in 18 minutes...which is horrible time...but I guess you can say that at least I did something...  Just really is frustrating.  They aren't old enough for me to leave them alone for 30 minutes.  It seems silly to find a sitter or someone to watch them for 30 minutes...so that means I have to have a sub-par workout unless I go to the gym and run on the "dread"mill (as someone I know calls it).

I have to say - this challenge is more challenging (ha) than I thought it would be...  Saturday I didn't do anything - because by the time we ran a few errands, then Jeff had to go to the office to get stuff ready for his trip (which he was leaving on early the next day)...I just never got anything done.  Miscommunication and mis-timing on Jeff and my part lead to the fact that I didn't do anything.  Tomorrow is going to be a struggle too...as I can't go in the morning (Jeff isn't home...can't leave the kids), and I've got appointments to be at from 9am until 1ish pm.  I will have to go in the afternoon and take a shower before I have a meeting that night.

How do single parents do it?  Stay in shape, do house stuff, work & kids???  I can't do a weekend....

Anyway - I know I sound really down on the whole thing right now...but I am just frustrated about my lack of exercise the last few days...wow.  One week in and I'm already hooked! :)

40 Day Fitness Challenge

My name is Amy, and I am addicted to being lazy.

There - I said it.  Finally. Whew!  That is off my chest!

Some people will read that and say - "Not you!  You are constantly running around and doing things and never seem to sit still."  However - what they don't know is that if given the option of running around doing a ton of things or sitting on my hiney watching a movie and eating ice cream - I would choose the movie/ice cream EVERY single time.  The only reason I do run around and seem so "motivated" is because I HAVE to.  There isn't really a choice.  My kids have to get fed.  The laundry has to get done and put away eventually otherwise there would be no clothes to wear.  I have to go to the grocery store if I want our family to eat on a regular basis.  I really don't have a choice.  BUT if my kids are playing outside and want me to play with them...the couch wins every time.  If the kids want to go for a bike ride...the latest book I'm reading wins. Etc. Etc. Etc.  If I didn't have to answer to anyone and could do what I wanted when I wanted...I would probably be in my PJs for days, ordering in food...watching movies I've seen 100 times...taking multiple naps day and night...and gaining 100 pounds in the process.  And I could probably do that for about a week before I would finally say "ENOUGH" and get cleaned up and out of the house.

I have been working out and watching what I'm eating on a regular basis (out of necessity mind you...not because I "wanted" to do it...but because I was beginning to really dislike myself and that was affecting all my relationships), until around the first of November last year.  Then...SSCCRREEEECCCHHHH!!!  The brakes were put on...I stopped working out...I stopped paying attention to what I was eating...and BOOM! CRASH!  10 pounds were quickly added to my body.  ugghhh....  Here we go again...my dislike of myself has started creeping back in every time I look in the mirror...  I have tried to get active again...tried meeting people two-three days a week to go running...but I haven't been consistent at all at it...I haven't really been committed to the idea...and it has been very rough going.  I really believe that part of the reason is that I'm the kind of person that needs to do something every day to make it a "habit".

With that in mind...and with the Lenten season beginning in just a few days...I have decided to give up my "lazy" ways for Lent....and be ACTIVE for 20-30 minutes every single day for 40 days.  That means that either I will get up and go running every morning...or if I don't get up to go running - have me and the kids go bike-riding in the afternoon...or go to the gym...SOMETHING.  I need to kick myself in the hiney to get myself moving again...and what a better time and better reason to do it?    I also will try to update my blog at least once a week and tell of my activities...so that I'm held accountable. 

Oh - and I am "stopping" the daily thing on Sunday, March 24...as that is the day before we are set to close on the purchase of a new house and therefore begin the moving process.  I figure with all the moving I can give myself a pass..  But who knows...maybe by then it will be such a habit that I won't want to stop it... One can hope.. :

So - who is with me???  Who wants to join me on this challenge? 

Reinventing Amy

I recently had the pleasure to attend my 20th high school reunion.  First of all - there is NO way that I am old enough to have been out of high school 20 years - so I think it was all a big mistake and a Candid Camera kind of situation - but I played along...

At my reunion - a fellow classmate and I were talking and she said the most curious thing.  I have been rolling it around in my head for the last few weeks trying to get a feel of it...and finally have decided it is blog worthy...so here we are.  She said to me: "Amy, you sure have reinvented yourself haven't you?" I said something flippant in return along the lines of "I just don't care about what people think of me as much as I did before, so I guess so."

Truth is - the answer was a lie....mostly...

Have I reinvented myself from 20 years ago?  Am I really so different that someone that knew me then thinks I'm so different now?  Truth is, I wasn't very close to the woman that said this to me in high school, and have only recently "friended" her on Facebook.  Did she know me well enough then to know that I'm so different now?  Hmmm...

A lot has happened in 20 years.  I went to college and had my first true heart-break the summer before my senior year.  Scott and I had been dating for probably 6-8 months when out of nowhere he broke up with me.  I took it hard.  Really hard.  In fact, when he tried to reconcile a few days/week later, instead of letting him see how devastated I was, I used anger to cover my vulnerability and pushed him away.  Through all of my "romances" in high school, Scott was really my first love...and getting your heart truly broken for the first time ever, as we all know, is not fun.  I learned a lot from that first "real" relationship.

A few years later, I was living in Florida, dating a man that was not nice to me (on the verge of breaking up with him altogether)...when my sister attempted suicide.  To say that my world was turned upside down would be an understatement. My strong, confident, beautiful sister was hurting in ways I never even knew about...and because of her illness, decided that death was the only way away from her pain.  Thankfully, God spared her that fateful day...but I would never be the same.  After spending two weeks by her side in Hawaii where her attempt was made, I came home numb.  I didn't know what to feel, what to think.  I was scared to feel, scared to think.  So...I let the man I had been dating start to do it for me...

About a year later, Rob and I got married...and what followed was about a 3 year long nightmare...full of emotional, verbal, mental and sexual abuse at the hands of this man who said he loved me.  I shut out my family and my friends.  Although no one "knew" what was going on...they all knew "something" was going on.  But I was too stubborn and scared to admit it...  A mixture of fear that no one would believe me because I didn't have any bruises and of shame that I allowed myself into that situation in the first place kept me locked in a situation much longer than I ever should have been.  Finally - God intervened and released me.  I won't go into the whole story here...that is a blog post in and of itself...

So...there I was...26 years old...living with mom and dad again...divorced. Wow.  How humbling...NOT at all where I thought I would be at that time in my life...  However - with time, and therapy, I emerged stronger and smarter than I was before.  I learned what I would allow in a relationship and what I wouldn't.  I learned that I could do it on my own.  That I was stronger than I thought I was, that family was one thing I NEVER want to push away again, that friendships should NEVER be pushed to the side for any man.

I lived with mom and dad for almost a year, then bought my own house.  I had a great job (albeit busy with long hours), some good friends, and my own house.  I didn't need anything else...well...except a date here and there...  About a year after I bought my house, I met the man that is now my husband, Jeff.  He challenges me like no one ever has.  He respects me like no one ever has.  He supports and loves me like no one ever has.  He is my best cheer leader!   We now have two wonderful children, whom I talk of often on this blog, Kendall and Carson.

So - yes - a lot has happened over the last 20 years.  But some of the same qualities and insecurities I had in high school remain with me today.  How could they not?  I told that woman that I don't care what people think of me.  LIE!  Unfortunately - I'm a people pleaser - and it tears me up inside to think/know that someone doesn't like me or is unhappy with me.  BUT I am more confident in myself than I was then.  Is that what she saw?  That although I was horribly self-conscious in high school....I am more sure of myself today?

Who knows what lies ahead of me for the next 20 years...I wonder if she will think I "reinvented" myself again 20 years from now...

Hats

I was thinking about how many hats I tend to wear in one day...and at times it is overwhelming... In a typical day I wear all of the following hats:

1) Wife - to my husband
2) Mother - to my kids
3) Daughter - to my parents
4) Sister - to my sister
5) Friend - to my husband and other friends
6) Colleague/Co-worker - to the people I work with
7) Employee - to my company
8) Realtor - to my customers
9) Chef - for my family
10) Laundress - for my family
11) Bookkeeper - for my family
12) Housekeeper - for my family
13) Runner - for myself
14) Taxi driver - for the kids
15) Baker - for the kids mainly (although I do cheat and have some occasionally)
16) Parent - to the teacher's at the kids school
17) Leader - for my current placement in the Junior League
18) Teacher - to my kids
19) Master - to my dogs
20) Customer - to the many retail stores that I shop at/with
21) Doctor/Nurse - to my kids/husband when they are sick or not feeling well
22) Patient - when I am sick
23) Home Decorator - when trying to keep my home beautiful
24) Nutritionist - for myself mainly - but also for the whole family so that we all eat healthy

I'm sure I can come up with at least 20 more hats I wear on a typical day.  Just today - I have worn 15 hats - all before 10am!  On Monday I think I wore all of the hats but maybe 1 (Patient).  No wonder I sometimes feel as if I'm going in 100 directions at once!  Not to mention the fact that sometimes I feel like I have a split personality...  One second I'm on the phone (wearing my Realtor hat) talking to a customer, and the next I'm correcting my children for arguing with each other (wearing my Mother hat).  Of course there are times we all wear several hats at once...for example - as I'm wearing my Chef hat, trying to figure out what we will have for dinner, I'm also wearing my Wife hat ("Will my husband like this meal?"), my Mother hat ("Will the kids even take one bite of it?"), my Customer hat ("I need to run to Publix to buy x, y & z for the recipe"), and my Bookkeeper hat ("How much money have we spent on groceries this month"). 

What I wonder about (and sometimes actually struggle with) is this: is the person I am while wearing the Wife hat (or Parent, or Sister, or Runner or Teacher, or etc. etc. etc.) the same person I am while wearing any other hat in my "closet"?  In other words - if someone only recognized me by my attitude and behavior and general demeanor - would they recognize me regardless of what hat I was wearing.  Am I being the same person overall in all situations or am I a chameleon that changes depending on whom I'm around?  I know to a degree we have to change a bit.  For example - I wouldn't talk to a customer when I'm in my Realtor hat the same way I speak to my dogs when I'm in my Master hat ("NO!  Bad customer! Bad!").   But am I holding myself and conducting myself with the same integrity and genuineness in all situations?  Am I ALWAYS wearing the MOST important hat under all the hats that I could possibly wear:

Christ follower.

It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day...heck...the moment to moment - and forget that in ALL things we should be trying to show Jesus' light through us.  Do I preach the Gospel as I'm trying to sell homes - NO.  BUT am I conducting myself in a way that the person can see Jesus Christ shining through me?  Am I being truthful and honest and genuine and fair and loving and forgiving?  In my interactions with people, would they be surprised that I am a Christ follower? Am I conducting myself and behaving in such a way that it contradicts what Jesus has taught us?  Or if someone found out that I am a Christ follower - would they say "I'm not surprised at all.  Amy didn't 'preach' to us, but she treated us with love and respect and kindness in all situations."

With my Christ hat firmly attached to my head (hopefully), I now must slip on my Bookkeeper hat and go balance our checkbook. 

Have a blessed day!

New Lifestyle

I hesitate to even write this post - because I am not doing it to get nods of approval or congratulations.  I also don't want to offend anyone.  I just feel that with all the news about obesity and its staggering statistics/projections in the news recently (here), something needs to be said.

First off - I don't think that I can ever have considered myself obese...very overweight - yes.  But not obese.  Many people that know me and follow me on facebook, know that I've recently been working hard at losing weight.  I am at the gym 4-5 days a week, more if possible.  Since my training/working-out/healthy lifestyle began in September (right when the kids started school), I have lost 26.5 pounds.  Which comes out to approximately 3 pounds per month.  Some months I lose the weight really fast...some months it takes what seems like forever.  For example - it has taken me 3 months to lose the last 6.5 pounds...where I actually lost 6.5 pounds in a month and a half at one point.  I haven't gone to any meetings or had special food delivered through a service or seen a nutritionist or a personal trainer.  I did it...all on my own...except I did have a few things in my corner:

1) God.  At least a year ago - I remember being in this point in my life where I was miserable with my body.  I felt huge, unattractive, no energy...but I didn't have the motivation to change anything about myself.  So I prayed almost daily - "God, please either make me content in this body I'm in or give me the motivation to make changes to myself." He was faithful to me.  Now I'm being faithful to Him.  I would NEVER be in the position I'm in right now if it wasn't for my Lord.  When I am on the treadmill and feel like I can't take another step - I pray.  When I feel tempted to eat my way through the day - I pray.  When I lose a pound - I praise.  When my clothes feel loose - I praise.  God has been my personal trainer.  God has been my motivator.  God has been my work-out buddy.  My prayer now is to not only continue on this journey of being healthy and continue losing weight (I have about 15 more pounds to go), but to also start appreciating what I see in the mirror. 

2) Jeff.  My husband calls me "Skinny" all the time.  For example - "Excuse me, Skinny" as he passes by me.  Even though my clothes are smaller and I do have more energy and feel better about myself - when I look in the mirror, about 75% of the time I still see the girl I was 25 pounds ago.  I see the rolls.  I see the puffiness.  I don't see what I have transformed my body into.  So - I've told Jeff that he needs to tell me when it is time to quit - even if my scale says I still have more weight to lose to reach my goal.  I'm afraid I won't see it...and then will become unhealthy - by being too thin.  I have this feeling that if I didn't have my husband to help me - I could lose another 25 pounds and still see the bigger me.   Jeff has been my biggest supporter and cheerleader.  If it wasn't for a sprained ankle, he would be trying to train right along with me.  As it is, because I'm preparing healthier meals, and making sure we both eat breakfast, Jeff has lost 5 pounds himself. 

3) Friends.  I have an account on an app/website called MyFitnessPal.com (it is a FREE program and FREE app).  There - I have a food diary as well as an exercise diary.  I can track how many calories I've eaten and how many I've burned.  This way - I can see if I have eaten too many calories earlier in the day and need to watch what I eat for dinner...or if I haven't eaten enough and will stall my weight-loss.  Three of my very best friends are on this journey themselves...these are friends that I actually go on a "girls weekend" every summer.  So far - the 4 of us have lost a total of 97 pounds!!!  We encourage each other.  We cheer each other on when we see records of good work-outs or weight lost.  If they don't log on to their account for a few days - we check in with each other to make sure we are on target.  I know that if I have a bad weekend, and don't log onto the site to enter my foods...after a few days I will get an email "Amy...where are you?"   I rejoice when each of them lose ANY weight...because that is what they want to do.  April, Mini & Monica have been my rocks and my cheerleaders.  And I can't wait to get a picture of the 3 of us together this summer (Monica can't come this year)...and compare it to summer's past to really see the transformation!

Before I go much farther - I really feel like I need to say one thing.  If you are overweight and are happy in your own skin.  If you look in the mirror and are happy with what you see and feel sexy - then you ARE sexy.  If you look in the mirror and feel pretty - then you ARE pretty.  I know the doctors have told you to lose weight...and there are health concerns that have been backed up by scientific research that say that being overweight is hard on a body.  HOWEVER - until you feel like the person you are looking at isn't the person that is inside of you - it won't work.  I can't tell you how many diets I've been on.  I even paid a LOT of money through my gym at one time to do a boot-camp.  I made it 5 weeks (out of 10 I think).  I got sick (upper respiratory infection) and couldn't go to a few workouts - and then quit.  Didn't matter that I paid a lot of money to do it...I just quit.  I spent a lot of money and bought a body-bugg to wear on my arm to track my calorie burn each day and act as a kind of pedometer.  I wore it for all of maybe 3 months...  It is still sitting on my desk where I left it the last time I took it off.  I've been a member of Weight Watchers at least 2 times...  Through those times I wasn't happy with myself - but I also didn't see how big I had gotten in the mirror.  Finally - one day the person looking at me in the mirror WASN'T the person I felt like I was inside. And that is when I really got miserable...and started praying. 

With all the talk about weight and healthy lifestyles in the media...and all the warped images that we as women and our children are subjected to about what makes a woman sexy - it is no wonder that most of us have body issues.  We are shown by advertisers that in order to be sexy - you have to see not only your collar bones, but also your pelvic bones, through your skin.  THAT is UNHEALTHY!!!  Do you know what models eat?  NOTHING!  Celery and lettuce.  Champagne and cigarettes.  How in the world is that healthy???  Now - I'm not saying I'm the healthiest person in the world  - but I don't deprive myself at all.  If I want a cookie.  I eat a cookie.  If I want pizza.  I eat pizza.  BUT I don't eat 5 cookies...or an entire pizza.  AND I don't do it every day. 

I guess what I'm trying to say here - is that if you aren't happy and comfortable in your own skin - then it shows.  Reach out for help.  Find me on MyFitnessPal.com (MrsLadyBug1974) and I'll cheer you on and encourage you along the way.  Talk to your doctor and find out what he/she thinks would work best for you. If you need to join a program (like Weight Watchers) to get the support you need - DO IT! I've got another very good friend that has lost 30 pounds with Weight Watchers!!! (Great job Laura!!!)  But - most importantly - PRAY!  God is an awesome God and He can do wonderful things if you just ask.  Ask God to give you the wisdom and strength and motivation to make healthier choices...and He will!  He won't make the pounds melt off overnight.  God helps those that help themselves.  This is something you have to WANT and that you have to work at...it IS work!  PRAY!

Good luck.

Good kids?

I've got good kids.  Really.  I do.  I know that I complain about them a lot...but in all honesty - they are really, honest-to-goodness, GOOD kids.  They get in trouble at home for not listening (what child doesn't?), for fighting with each other, etc.  But they really do try to be good and they really do behave most of the time.  If there is any aggression shown by them - it is against each other (sibling rivalry and all) - and NEVER against anyone else.  That is why we are in shock over Carson's recent behavior problems at school...

Wednesday last week - Carson was being picked up from his regular classroom to go to his Occupational Therapy session with Ms. Miller (which happens EVERY Wednesday).  However - his class was watching a movie, and Carson didn't want to go...he wanted to stay and watch the movie.  So - he proceeded to throw a fit.  By the time they got into Ms. Miller's room - he not hit her 2 times, but he also threw a chair across the room.  !!!!!!!!!!  She made him stand in the middle of the room (where he couldn't get anything else to throw) until he finally calmed down and did some work.  His regular teacher, Ms. Scott, told Ms. Miller "Are you sure you are talking about Carson?" when she heard the story...

Then...today...well...  He and a little boy got into a little "tiff" about some blocks they both wanted to play with and neither wanted to share (NOT normal for Carson - he is normally very good about sharing - at least at school).  When a teacher came over to find out what was going on - he swung at her...then swung at 2 other teachers AND threw a block at one of the teachers! Carson was actually  brought to the Principal's office...my Pre-K kid was brought to the Principal's office!!!  Uh oh!!!!!!!!!! 

What has happened to my mild-mannered son?  Sure he throws tantrums here and there...and he gets stubborn, a little surly (like in the picture below) and a little defiant at times (what 4 year old doesn't?).  BUT for him to be that physical and aggressive is just NOT like him...

Jeff and I are not only in shock...but we are trying to figure out how to deal with this at home.  Jeff was always told that if you get in trouble at school - you get in even more trouble at home.  We just hope that we can nip this behavior in the bud before it becomes a regular pattern... We just want our smiling little fellow back....

It's Football & Cheerleading Season!!!

Well - okay - not really....if you are talking about high school, college or professional football. BUT for our kids we are just getting started!!!

Carson started Upwards Flag Football with his Daddy as coach. Officially...he isn't old enough to do it, but since Jeff agreed to coach - he is in! Funny thing is - no one can tell that Carson isn't as old as all the other kids on the team...because he is as big as if not bigger than all of them!!! He loves getting out there and running around. At first we were scared he wouldn't like it because he appeared to be afraid of the football when it was thrown at him to catch - but he is doing so much better! Plus - since Carson is such a big kid - the earlier we can get him into the culture of sports (football, soccer, etc.) the better the chances that we can look forward to athletic scholarships at a later date!!! haha BUT - I think that by FAR the best thing of all of this is what Jeff told me last night. Jeff said that he feels like he and Carson are actually getting closer (as Father/Son) by doing this together. That Carson is more spontaneous in expressing his love for his Daddy than he has been in the past. LOVE that! Anyway - here are a few pictures from their first football game.

Carson as Center.

Huddle! (LOVE how he sticks his butt so far out!! haha)

Getting ready to start.

Action shot!!!

My football star!

Kendall is also starting a new adventure - Upwards Cheerleading!!! She is so stinking cute with her uniform and pom poms! It is silly - but it actually reminds me of when I did cheerleading my freshman year in high school. She really needs to work on her "cheerleader clap", her "jelly arms", and yelling loud enough that someone other than the person beside her can hear her - but that is only a matter of time. What amazes me...is how quickly she acts like she is out of energy. As much as she is running around the house and playing - the fact that she keeps on wanting to sit down and "rest" during her practices and the game (which is only an hour) - makes me think I need to start a training regimen with her! haha Either that or pump her full of protein just before practices and games to give her that extra boost of energy. Here are a few pictures of her from her first official game.

Is this a telescope or a megaphone???

In formation...

Go Upwards!!!

Aren't I cute???

My beautiful cheerleader!

Perspective

Half-full or Half-empty?

Partly sunny or Party cloudy?

TomAto or Tomahto?

Perspective (per·spec·tive) /pərˈspɛktɪv/

1. a technique of depicting volumes and spatial relationships on a flat surface. Compare aerial perspective, linear perspective.

2. a picture employing this technique, especially one in which it is prominent: an architect's perspective of a house.

3. a visible scene, especially one extending to a distance; vista: a perspective on the main axis of an estate.

4. the state of existing in space before the eye: The elevations look all right, but the building's composition is a failure in perspective.

5. the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship: You have to live here a few years to see local conditions in perspective.

I have always pictured myself as the "glass is half full" kind of person...with an occasional trip down the other lane when times seemed especially challenging. I felt like I always tried to see the good in things and I always tried to keep positive in situations where I felt disturbed. I actually use a sense of humor that at some times in inappropriate to make tough times seem not so tough. As a defense mechanism, I use sarcasm and jokes to make tense times not so tense. And, at times, I know that it isn't appreciated by the person on the receiving end...

About 6 1/2 years ago, I just barely knew someone (who is now a very dear friend) who was pregnant with her second child. She was talking about her pregnancy and how they discovered that he was going to be missing his left hand from just below his elbow. This was obviously a VERY tough time for her and her husband and all their family. The first thought that came to my mind? "Guess you know he will be right handed." (By the way - I didn't say it to her at that time...we were friends before I confessed that inappropriate thought.) Oh - and her son is now a very normal, healthy, happy 6 year old...so much so that I often forget about his difference.

Over 15 years ago my sister was lying in a hospital bed in Honolulu, Hawaii in the ICU...my mom and dad and I were keeping her company and giving her support...and throughout those moments and when mom and dad and I would be talking about the whole situation outside of the hospital - I used humor to get me through. Sometimes appropriate...sometimes inappropriate. Oh - and my sister is now happily married with a beautiful daughter.

Although I don't think using humor is a bad thing...it has been my way of coping. Rather than actually allowing my emotions to complete their full rotation - I used humor to make myself "feel better"....or rather...to avoid the full brunt of the situation. Using humor (whether good or bad) helped give me a different perspective of whatever was going on. It is as if my mind searches to find the glimmer of hope or happiness or joy in what might otherwise be difficult. I mean - if you can't see something good - then how can you joke about it?

Unfortunately, though, sometimes seeing humor in a situation isn't all that is needed to really "get through" it.

Have you ever done a puzzle? You know - one of those HUGE puzzles - like over 1000 pieces - where the bottom left hand corner looks NOTHING like the top right hand corner...so it is hard to imagine how all the pieces will come together to make a beautiful picture? If you look at each individual puzzle piece and not anything else - you will never solve the puzzle. You have to look at the colors on the piece, the parts that stick out and the parts that don't...and then somehow - you find a piece it fits with. Most of the time - you have a picture on the box to help guide you...to give you perspective...so you have an idea where in the puzzle each piece will go. BUT - have you ever done a puzzle without looking at the picture? Some pieces would go together easy...but others...wow.

Our lives are like doing a puzzle without having the box to look at. We are one of the pieces...bumping around...trying to figure out where we fit...sometimes finding success...most of the time being frustrated that we just can't make it work. Sometimes I wish I was the Creator, so I could look down from His vantage point and get an idea of where in the world all of this is leading. I get so caught up in my day to day struggles...that I forget there are other puzzle pieces having a harder time than I am... The day to day struggles are easy to get bogged down in...and it is easy to feel sorry for myself. It is easy to only see the rock wall in front of me and ignore the foot holes that I can use to climb to the top of the wall and look around.

Another friend of mine, K, has a precious 10-year old son that has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. Within the next 2 years he will be permanently confined to a wheelchair. And based upon statistics of others that have had the same condition, he will not live past his 20s. K and her family are now struggling trying to figure out how to afford not only a motorized wheelchair (after insurance they will still need to pay $20-30K out of pocket), a van that is equipped to handle the wheelchair ($60-70K), and modifications to their home so that their son can still function as a normal family member. Beyond the financial worries, they worry for their son's health, as well as the health of their other two beautiful children. They rely on their faith to give them strength...and God has never failed them in that regard. K and her husband are a couple of the strongest people I know.

And I found myself most of last year crying...about my son's speech delay...about my daughter's soiling accidents... My children are healthy...and do not have a condition that will take them from me in the next 10-15 years. I thought I was relying on my faith...but I wasn't. I really wasn't turning anything over to God. I was wallowing in my self-pity and forgetting one very important thing: my kids (with the exception of a few minor issues) are HEALTHY!

Now I'm not saying that I didn't have a reason to be sad...to be disappointed...to be frustrated and angry at times even. But to spend the last year only focused on my problems and focused on my frustrations.... God has put my friend K in my life to remind me that it could be different. To give me...

Perspective. I needed some. I prayed for some. God delivered.