I have been awake now for a while. A long while. Kendall woke up screaming and crying at about 4:10 (cannot remember why exactly...probably lost nuk)...then I came back to bed, and unlike my husband who can fall asleep mid-sentence, it takes me a while to get back to sleep...so when my son started making noises at 4:35 I heard it with no problem. So...at 4:40 I got up and went to his room hoping that if I changed his diaper (most of the time when he wakes up that early it is because he has a poopie diaper) and rocked him he would go back to sleep (he actually did this once about a week ago). No such luck today. So...then I thought...I'm always praying that I would have more time to myself...more time to do my biblestudy...here is my opportunity. This is God's way of saying - "What is better than waking up with Me?" So - after conceeding that Carson was indeed NOT going back to sleep - we came into the living room. I got out a Baby Einstein video, hoping that would keep his attention (which it didn't), and I sat down with my bible and my Beth Moore study that we are doing and looked at it. For those of you that aren't familiar with Beth Moore - she does very intense studies of certain subjects over an 11 week period. Each week is broken down to 5 daily studies. Currently, we are studying the fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, patience...um...that is all I know because that is how far along we are...), and I sat down to do day 1 of week 6 - patience. Hmmm...anyone catch any coincidences here??? I can tell you this much - I really don't feel like I got a lot out of my bible study...because the video didn't entertain Carson AT ALL...he was still crawling everywhere (I tried him in his exersaucer to contain him for a while - but he wanted nothing to do with that)...getting into everything...fussing about nothing. I feel like I read some paragraphs three and four times...and I still never caught the entire meaning of what she was trying to say. What I did pick up from todays reading...was that part of beng patient is "perserveering" through times that may seem very difficult, with the knowledge that better times are ahead. For example, Job lost his fortune (livestock and servants), his sons, and eventually his health, but through it all - he continued to praise God - knowing that what we are encountering today, what we are struggling with today - is simply the steps necessary to complete God's plan and help us as Christ followers to be more like Him. So when we encounter difficult periods of our life (like lack of sleep because of two children under 3 years old...and specifically a 7 1/2 month old that hasn't figured out that sleeping until even 5:30 would be much appreciated), we must remember that our goal, our target, our focus of our lives isn't the here and now...it is being more like Christ so that not only can we help bring others to Him, but so that we can be "rewarded" in heaven. My plan for today was not to wake up at 4am...but God's plan was...and God has perfect wisdom and perfect vision for my life and I just need to trust that my lack of sleep for the last 7 1/2 months has a purpose. What that purpose is...I don't know and frankly I would LOVE to know right about now when just the act of typing into my blog is a challenge because my coffee doesn't seem to be working this morning...BUT I must be patient and realize that someday all will be revealed. I tell you what - it is sure hard...having faith when you are completely exhausted...it is very hard to know that God has a plan for me and that I must be patient and try to remember that although I may not see the fruits of my labor today - I will someday. My mom reminds me all the time that although it is hard right now (my friends and I affectionately call this period of our lives with young children "boot camp") and although I don't realize what kind of impact I'm making on my children's lives right now - someday I will. Someday they will be able to tell me, like I am able to tell my mom - how much they love me and how much they appreciate everything they've done for me. I know that my mom is probably the most important person in my life. I still call her and ask her stupid questions - because if anyone will know...MOM will know. She has always been such a positive influence in my life - always so strong and smart and funny and beautiful. She has taught me what it means to be a strong, independent woman, and yet still feminine and gentle. She has taught me the value of family and respect for others. And above all else - she has given me my love for Christ. So in my day to day when I struggle with getting up at 4am and I find myself in a bad mood (sorry about that this morning honey...) I need to remember everything I've just typed. It isn't about me anymore. It is about my kids. It is about raising them so that they love not only Jeff and I and each other - but so that they can also know and love Christ...and waking up at 4am is just a part of that journey...
On a completely different note...wow...completely different... We have paused the potty training for now. After putting Kendall on the potty every 2 hours for about 2 weeks...she got a total of 3 M&Ms...which as you will remember - she got on day 1. So...we are hitting the pause button for a few months and then we'll try again. We are keeping her in pull-ups...and if she wants to sit on the potty, she can...but I'm not forcing the issue anymore. All in good time...
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