Yesterday was a bad day. A very bad day. First...let me explain something...I can't understand my son...I just can't figure him out. We normally try to put him to sleep around 8ish...occasionally he sleeps until 6:30...sometimes only 5...there is no rhyme or reason that I have been able to figure out. We've tried different bedtimes - some early...some later...all we would like is for him to make it to 6am...6:30 would be even better...but the moment we think we've gotten an answer...he wakes up at 5am again... Anyway - on Sunday morning (after being up in the middle of the night with Kendall two times) he woke up at 5am. When he wakes up he is happy...I can hear him over the monitor laughing and talking and playing...for a while...then he starts to get frustrated that no one has come to "rescue" him...and then he starts to cry. The happy time sometimes lasts 15 minutes...sometimes 30 or more. Jeff can sleep through the happy time (although he can sleep through the crying most of the time too...but that is beside the point). I have this "super human hearing" (as Jeff call's it) and can hear my kids the moment they hiccup - no matter how low we have the monitors turned. So even though I know Carson is happy...I can't get back to sleep. I lay there and listen to him and wonder how long I have until he starts getting frustrated. So on Sunday morning...knowing that he was awake for the morning...I only laid there about 10 minutes before I got up and got him out of bed. (I figured that since we were both awake...I might as well go get him.) Well...the rest of the morning was fine. He fell asleep briefly on my shoulder around 6:30am...and I put him down for his official nap around 9am. He napped for all of 30 minutes or so. Anyway - Jeff had to go into the office for a few hours after lunch...and we had just laid both kids down for their afternoon naps when Jeff left. I thought "YES...a few quiet hours to myself!!! Carson hasn't slept much...he'll surely be ready to nap for a long time!!!" Within 10 minutes of Jeff walking out the door (not even enough time for him to even make it to the office), Carson was awake. (Brief note here...when he wakes up from naps - he isn't happy...it is almost always screaming and crying). The rest of the afternoon until Jeff got home at 5, Carson napped all of 30 minutes...the rest of the time if I wasn't holding him or playing with him...he was screaming...not an "I'm in pain" (i.e. tummy/gas problems) scream...it was a tired, frustrated, just overall unhappy scream. I tried rocking him...I tried changing his diaper (multiple times)...I tried feeding him. Nothing made him happy. He fussed and cried and fussed some more. At 4:15 I called Jeff and said "Come home...NOW!!!" (insert voice of demonic being on the word NOW) Of course...by the time Jeff got home...Carson was no longer fussing as much...but my hair was standing completely on end and I was sitting on the couch dazed and wishing I had my own personal masseuse. We also had some friends come over for the game (Super Bowl) that evening...so I knew that I had to put on my happy face and not just go collapse in bed. Luckily I have a saint for a husband and he gave them both baths and put them both to bed when the time was right.
Unfortunately...yesterday came on a day that my hormones were already out of whack...because that morning I was a little depressed. Although (as I said in a previous post) I'm not ready to say that we are definitely done having kids...I know that we are leaning in that direction. So...as exciting as it is that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and brighter...it is also very daunting because I've never figured out what I want to do with my life. So although I know in a few years I will have tons of free time that I'm sure I'll want to fill with a part-time job of some sort...I also know that when I go back to work I want to do something that I really will enjoy (or why go back to work at all)...and I just don't know what that something is... I've played around with all sorts of ideas...and I know that I don't have to make up my mind right this very moment...or even in the next year for that matter. But sometimes since I don't feel like I've ever found my "calling"...I feel a bit lost. Not to mention the fact that even though I keep myself busy with running the kids (mainly Kendall) to all sorts of activities...my day to day life is essentially the same. I know that we all go through "seasons" of our lives...that right now my "season" is being the best mommy and wife I can be...but when your day to day hardly ever changes...sometimes you almost wonder..."why?"
Anyway...to the good... This afternoon when I got Kendall up from her nap, we sat down on the couch with her "Bippo" (stuffed Hippo - her lovey), a sippy cup of milk and a snack cup of Cheerios and watched some of her "shows" (I just love Noggin!!!). As we are sitting there, her directly on my lap...all the sudden...out of nowhere...she turns around puts her little hand around my neck and says "I lub you Mommy" and kisses me. My heart just melted!!! How wonderful is that???
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