I recently had the pleasure to attend my 20th high school reunion. First of all - there is NO way that I am old enough to have been out of high school 20 years - so I think it was all a big mistake and a Candid Camera kind of situation - but I played along...
At my reunion - a fellow classmate and I were talking and she said the most curious thing. I have been rolling it around in my head for the last few weeks trying to get a feel of it...and finally have decided it is blog worthy...so here we are. She said to me: "Amy, you sure have reinvented yourself haven't you?" I said something flippant in return along the lines of "I just don't care about what people think of me as much as I did before, so I guess so."
Truth is - the answer was a lie....mostly...
Have I reinvented myself from 20 years ago? Am I really so different that someone that knew me then thinks I'm so different now? Truth is, I wasn't very close to the woman that said this to me in high school, and have only recently "friended" her on Facebook. Did she know me well enough then to know that I'm so different now? Hmmm...
A lot has happened in 20 years. I went to college and had my first true heart-break the summer before my senior year. Scott and I had been dating for probably 6-8 months when out of nowhere he broke up with me. I took it hard. Really hard. In fact, when he tried to reconcile a few days/week later, instead of letting him see how devastated I was, I used anger to cover my vulnerability and pushed him away. Through all of my "romances" in high school, Scott was really my first love...and getting your heart truly broken for the first time ever, as we all know, is not fun. I learned a lot from that first "real" relationship.
A few years later, I was living in Florida, dating a man that was not nice to me (on the verge of breaking up with him altogether)...when my sister attempted suicide. To say that my world was turned upside down would be an understatement. My strong, confident, beautiful sister was hurting in ways I never even knew about...and because of her illness, decided that death was the only way away from her pain. Thankfully, God spared her that fateful day...but I would never be the same. After spending two weeks by her side in Hawaii where her attempt was made, I came home numb. I didn't know what to feel, what to think. I was scared to feel, scared to think. So...I let the man I had been dating start to do it for me...
About a year later, Rob and I got married...and what followed was about a 3 year long nightmare...full of emotional, verbal, mental and sexual abuse at the hands of this man who said he loved me. I shut out my family and my friends. Although no one "knew" what was going on...they all knew "something" was going on. But I was too stubborn and scared to admit it... A mixture of fear that no one would believe me because I didn't have any bruises and of shame that I allowed myself into that situation in the first place kept me locked in a situation much longer than I ever should have been. Finally - God intervened and released me. I won't go into the whole story here...that is a blog post in and of itself...
So...there I was...26 years old...living with mom and dad again...divorced. Wow. How humbling...NOT at all where I thought I would be at that time in my life... However - with time, and therapy, I emerged stronger and smarter than I was before. I learned what I would allow in a relationship and what I wouldn't. I learned that I could do it on my own. That I was stronger than I thought I was, that family was one thing I NEVER want to push away again, that friendships should NEVER be pushed to the side for any man.
I lived with mom and dad for almost a year, then bought my own house. I had a great job (albeit busy with long hours), some good friends, and my own house. I didn't need anything else...well...except a date here and there... About a year after I bought my house, I met the man that is now my husband, Jeff. He challenges me like no one ever has. He respects me like no one ever has. He supports and loves me like no one ever has. He is my best cheer leader! We now have two wonderful children, whom I talk of often on this blog, Kendall and Carson.
So - yes - a lot has happened over the last 20 years. But some of the same qualities and insecurities I had in high school remain with me today. How could they not? I told that woman that I don't care what people think of me. LIE! Unfortunately - I'm a people pleaser - and it tears me up inside to think/know that someone doesn't like me or is unhappy with me. BUT I am more confident in myself than I was then. Is that what she saw? That although I was horribly self-conscious in high school....I am more sure of myself today?
Who knows what lies ahead of me for the next 20 years...I wonder if she will think I "reinvented" myself again 20 years from now...
