Really...I'm not.
I've been running for just over two years now, about 1 1/2 years of that outside (anyone that runs regularly knows there is a HUGE difference between treadmill running and outside running). When I first started running outside I couldn't go farther than 1.87 miles without feeling like I was dying...now I am hoping that in the next year I will run a half marathon (which is 13.1 miles).
But again...I'm not a runner.
I have suffered and overcome from Plantar Fasciitis (PF) with a low-dose oral steroid and stretching before EVERY SINGLE RUN.
But again...I'm not a runner.
I have had a colonoscopy and multiple exams due to rectal bleeding, because it appears I am one of the rare people (like 1 in 10 runners I think I read somewhere...) whose body reacts to the steady impact of running over long distances (anything over 3.25 miles) in a very odd and sometimes embarrassing manner but am otherwise completely healthy down "there" otherwise...but because of this "odd" thing I must put in a hydrocortisone suppository the night before every run so that I don't have bleeding when I run.
But again...I'm not a runner.
I am now seeing a Physical Therapist because I have Patella Femoral Pain Syndrome (PFPS), which my PT thinks is actually due to Plica Syndrome (another rare condition), and over the last 6 weeks I've only run a total of probably 10 miles, but I still try to go out and run and even push through the sharp pain that comes at times in the run just so I can continue.
But again...I'm not a runner.
My husband says to me....You have had heel pain, rectal bleeding and now knee pain...and yet you still want to run?
Yes. I do.
But again...I don't consider myself a runner.
I don't LIKE running. I don't. If you ever see me out running, I will look pained and exhausted. I don't glide across the road like some women do. I feel every. Single. Step. Anytime someone takes a picture of me at a 5K or some sort of event... I look "concerned"...NOT like I'm enjoying myself.
So...again... I don't consider myself a runner.
At least...I didn't used to...
But my big goals this year...another triathlon sprint, a 10K, a half marathon, an Olympic length triathlon...all involve running.
When I don't run...I get moody and depressed. When I don't run...I don't sleep as well. When I don't run...I have less energy.
When I am driving around town and I see people running...I wish I was with them. I get jealous when someone is out running and I realize that I haven't been in a while. If I don't run every few days... I CRAVE it. The last 6 weeks as I've been out with knee pain...I have thought more about running and getting out there again than ever before. I've really...truly...in my bones...missed running.
Ok... Time to admit it.
I. Am. A. Runner.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Friday, November 01, 2013
Pass another glass...
I love my kids. I really do. I love them with every ounce of my being. I would jump in front of a moving car for them. I would leap tall buildings in a single bound...oh... wait.
But...I have something I have to admit. And it tears me up inside. The guilt that courses through my veins because I feel this way is just as potent as the love I feel for them.
I. Don't. Like. My. Kids. All. The. Time.
Truth be told...lately I can only stand being around them about 50% of the time...if that much. There are periods of time where they are enjoyable and a pleasure to be with. I love talking to them and seeing things through their eyes. I enjoy hearing their conversations with each other. They make me laugh when they are being goofy.
But then. Sometimes. I can't wait to get them out of the door in the morning. Or into bed at night.
I mean really. Why is it that we can't even leave the parking lot of their school before one is annoying the other which in turn makes the other scream and whine which in turn makes the other do it louder/longer/more intense which makes the other scream more which makes me scream like a mad woman and gesture all over so that the people next to me must think I am having a mental breakdown?
I mean really. Why is it that anytime a question is asked of me, I have to repeat the same answer over and over to many different explanations of the same question in case I just didn't understand said question correctly the first time or I just wasn't hearing them correctly until I have to be "mean" in order to get my original answer actually heard? And God help me if I don't justify my answer, because then I hear my Mom's answer flying out of my mouth - "Because I said so!"
I mean really. How hard is it to turn off lights when you leave a room, or brush your teeth without leaving an entire splat of toothpaste all over the sink or close a door that you open or actually respond the first time that someone says your name?
I know that most of this is just them being kids which means that it is a regular part of parenting. But it is seriously like they are "brain damaged", as Bill Cosby once said. Common sense doesn't apply to kids (although...it doesn't apply to many adults for that matter...). Not to mention the attitudes. Wow. I know some parents out there are saying or will reply with "You don't have to put up with attitudes. I stop them before they start." Well...don't bother preaching to me about it. Because we didn't stop them and they did start and we continue to battle them and it is still a struggle.
Throw in my daughter's ADHD, along with her emotional/anxiety issues...and what occurs on a daily basis is lots of yelling from both sides, lots of tears (some days) and lots of anxiety for me and her father. With her it is so hard to tell - is what we are dealing with the effects of her ADHD or disobedience. It is a constant struggle and a constant hunt for the happy medium. We continually question ourselves and our parenting abilities. We really do feel most days like we are screwing her up and she will be in one form of counseling or another for the rest of her life.
Parenting sucks sometimes. It is incredibly hard. I think that is why having good friends with kids is utterly important. You can bounce ideas off of them. Tell them where you are struggling. It is always so refreshing to find out some of the things we are dealing with, others are too. There are other families that have some of the exact same issues and struggles and battles raging day to day in their homes.
I told a friend once that is a relatively new stepmom, that there are times I just don't like my kids. I don't want to be around them. I need a break. I love them. That never changes. But sometimes....that glass of wine with a friend that drags on until the clock says that the kids will be in bed is much more appealing! My friend was relieved to hear this. She had been secretly struggling with the occasional feeling of not wanting to be around her stepchild. She felt horribly guilty because she does love the child and father so much, but had several moments where she just didn't like the child. When I confessed that I didn't like my kids sometimes...she was able to let some of that guilt go.
I think that having friends with kids is akin to having a user's manual for kids. Especially if you have friends with kids that are a little older. Because then they can tell you what they did that worked, didn't work, etc. Like a mentor. But in turn...we should have friends with younger kids too...so we can be that "mentor" to someone else. NONE of us are experts in raising kids. Even those of us that have PhDs are not experts...even those of us that have raised 20 children are not experts... EVERY child is different and has their own struggles and problems and not to mention the way the culture is changing every 5 minutes to make things even more of a challenge (i.e. no cell phones when I was a kid....now what do we do???). God makes it fun for us like that.
But as in everything - we have to take it all with a grain of salt. As much as there are times I don't like my kids, I do thank God for them every single day. I am blessed to be able to be a wife and a mother, and can only pray someday that I'll look back at all of this and laugh...over my bottle of wine.
But...I have something I have to admit. And it tears me up inside. The guilt that courses through my veins because I feel this way is just as potent as the love I feel for them.
I. Don't. Like. My. Kids. All. The. Time.
Truth be told...lately I can only stand being around them about 50% of the time...if that much. There are periods of time where they are enjoyable and a pleasure to be with. I love talking to them and seeing things through their eyes. I enjoy hearing their conversations with each other. They make me laugh when they are being goofy.
But then. Sometimes. I can't wait to get them out of the door in the morning. Or into bed at night.
I mean really. Why is it that we can't even leave the parking lot of their school before one is annoying the other which in turn makes the other scream and whine which in turn makes the other do it louder/longer/more intense which makes the other scream more which makes me scream like a mad woman and gesture all over so that the people next to me must think I am having a mental breakdown?
I mean really. Why is it that anytime a question is asked of me, I have to repeat the same answer over and over to many different explanations of the same question in case I just didn't understand said question correctly the first time or I just wasn't hearing them correctly until I have to be "mean" in order to get my original answer actually heard? And God help me if I don't justify my answer, because then I hear my Mom's answer flying out of my mouth - "Because I said so!"
I mean really. How hard is it to turn off lights when you leave a room, or brush your teeth without leaving an entire splat of toothpaste all over the sink or close a door that you open or actually respond the first time that someone says your name?
I know that most of this is just them being kids which means that it is a regular part of parenting. But it is seriously like they are "brain damaged", as Bill Cosby once said. Common sense doesn't apply to kids (although...it doesn't apply to many adults for that matter...). Not to mention the attitudes. Wow. I know some parents out there are saying or will reply with "You don't have to put up with attitudes. I stop them before they start." Well...don't bother preaching to me about it. Because we didn't stop them and they did start and we continue to battle them and it is still a struggle.
Throw in my daughter's ADHD, along with her emotional/anxiety issues...and what occurs on a daily basis is lots of yelling from both sides, lots of tears (some days) and lots of anxiety for me and her father. With her it is so hard to tell - is what we are dealing with the effects of her ADHD or disobedience. It is a constant struggle and a constant hunt for the happy medium. We continually question ourselves and our parenting abilities. We really do feel most days like we are screwing her up and she will be in one form of counseling or another for the rest of her life.
Parenting sucks sometimes. It is incredibly hard. I think that is why having good friends with kids is utterly important. You can bounce ideas off of them. Tell them where you are struggling. It is always so refreshing to find out some of the things we are dealing with, others are too. There are other families that have some of the exact same issues and struggles and battles raging day to day in their homes.
I told a friend once that is a relatively new stepmom, that there are times I just don't like my kids. I don't want to be around them. I need a break. I love them. That never changes. But sometimes....that glass of wine with a friend that drags on until the clock says that the kids will be in bed is much more appealing! My friend was relieved to hear this. She had been secretly struggling with the occasional feeling of not wanting to be around her stepchild. She felt horribly guilty because she does love the child and father so much, but had several moments where she just didn't like the child. When I confessed that I didn't like my kids sometimes...she was able to let some of that guilt go.
I think that having friends with kids is akin to having a user's manual for kids. Especially if you have friends with kids that are a little older. Because then they can tell you what they did that worked, didn't work, etc. Like a mentor. But in turn...we should have friends with younger kids too...so we can be that "mentor" to someone else. NONE of us are experts in raising kids. Even those of us that have PhDs are not experts...even those of us that have raised 20 children are not experts... EVERY child is different and has their own struggles and problems and not to mention the way the culture is changing every 5 minutes to make things even more of a challenge (i.e. no cell phones when I was a kid....now what do we do???). God makes it fun for us like that.
But as in everything - we have to take it all with a grain of salt. As much as there are times I don't like my kids, I do thank God for them every single day. I am blessed to be able to be a wife and a mother, and can only pray someday that I'll look back at all of this and laugh...over my bottle of wine.
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